


Chronic

by westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist



Category: The West Wing
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-02-03
Updated: 2002-02-03
Packaged: 2019-05-15 13:36:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14791496
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist/pseuds/westwingfanfictioncentral_archivist
Summary: Possible explication of why Sam takes pills, uses glasses and his stoic behavior.





	Chronic

**Author's Note:**

> A copy of this work was once archived at National Library, a part of the [ West Wing Fanfiction Central](https://fanlore.org/wiki/West_Wing_Fanfiction_Central), a West Wing fanfiction archive. More information about the Open Doors approved archive move can be found in the [announcement post](http://archiveofourown.org/admin_posts/8325).

Author: Vero . Rupert and Jose Luis The crazy Argentines.

Summary: Possible explication of why Sam takes pills, uses glasses and his stoic behavior.

 

 

** **

** **

Chronic I

 

Sam arrived until the glass door and stainless steel and he gave it a push. The door didn't open up. Sam felt the impulse to escape and to return to his department and prepares go to work. But before he could move several patients ascended that touched he, without stopping, they opened the hospital door. Sam closed his eyes for an instant, astonished of his own stupidity. 

" Of course, the doors opened up toward out!"He opened the door and he entered in the subworld. Sam had always hated to the hospitals. He had fear from the childhood

He remembered when he was eight years old, age in that his life began to change. Until that moment, he had always liked the school. He was an enthusiastic boy, he liked new experiences. But when he was in third degree, everything changed. Until then he was always already to go to the school, but then, from that moment, his mother was forced to give him hurry. 

He lost his concentration capacity, and the teacher began to send notes to his mother. One of the central problems that Sam had had and that it had not gotten the attention to anybody, it was that he should go to the bathroom every time with more frequency. After certain time Mr. Tofler, his teacher, began to refuse to give him permission to leave the class, because he suspected that Sam used his trips to bathroom to avoid his school tasks. When is happened Sam experienced the terrible feeling that it could lose the control of the bladder. In his mind he imagined like would be the things if he had _"an accident_ ", and his urine began to drip of the seat and to extend for floor, low the desk. The fear became cholera, and the anger became ostracism. Sam partners began to make fun of him and Bob Zane began to have Sam like target.

In his house, one night he was urinated in the bed, and it was surprised and impression as much to Sam as to his father. Mr. Seaborn wanted an explanation, but Sam didn't know it, in fact, he was equally surprised. When Mrs. Seaborn suggested that was consulted to a doctor, the father said that it would mortify he it appealed to a consultation, he was convinced that the matter was a behavior dysfunction.To Sam they put him several punishments, but they didn't give result. The only thing that they achieved was to worsen the problem. Sam began to have tantrums and rages, he lost the few friends that he had and he remained more and more time locked in his room. Then the Sam's mother began to consider the necessity to consult with an infantile psychiatrist.

The problem was defined at the beginning of spring. Sam remembered that day. Hardly half-hour after the recess, Sam began to experience a sensation of pressure in the bladder, and thirst. Advancing that the teacher would not give him permission to go to the bathroom, he tried in vain to wait to finish the class. He moved and removed in his seat, and pressed his fists. He had the mouth so dry that he could not swallow and in spite of all his efforts, he notice that it was escaped a small urine drop.Panicky Sam brings near on tiptoe to the teacher's desk and he asked him to allow going to the bathroom. The teacher, without looking at he, ordered to return to his desk. Sam became full with decision and he went to the door. The teacher saw he open it and he lifted the look.

Sam ran to the bathroom with the teacher stepping him the checks. Before the teacher reached he, he had descended the pants. Alleviated, he had in the toilet. The teacher was located in front of him, with the hands on the hips, awaiting, with an expression that sought to mean, 

"...will be better you urine, because, if not..."

Sam urinates. He began to make it and continued during an incredibly long time. The teacher's semblance was softened

\- Why you don't make it during the recess? � Asked the teacher

\- I urinate then � answered Sam, thwarted.

\- I don't believe you � reply the teacher � I cannot believe you. This afternoon when the class finish both we go to the Director's office.

Again in the classroom the teacher made that Sam sat down near him. Sam could still remember the uneasiness that invaded he. In the first place, he could hardly see the blackboard. Then he felt very strange, and he believed that he would vomit. But he didn't make it. Instead he faints. When recovering the knowledge he was in the hospital. His mother was inclined on him and she told him that he suffered diabetes.

 

 

  ****

****

 

Biting his lower lip to control his emotions, Sam returned to the present and he went toward the elevators. The crowd of the hospitals perturbed him; he didn't want them to touch him, breathe on him or cough over him. It pained him to look at the distorted faces, the weeping eruptions. In the elevator it was more unpleasant, there he was trapped. He kept his eyes fixed on the indicator of floors, trying not to pay attention to his surroundings. Somebody behind him coughed, spraying his neck. 

The elevator stopped with a shake and the doors opened up. Sam walked along the corridor until arriving at the ophthalmology waiting room.

Laid on the stretcher in total darkness, Sam had never been but inconvenienced. He didn't feel pain, but, yes, many irritations while the doctor Gerald Bosovich, the ophthalmology consultant, illuminated his left eye with an intense and brilliant light, but worse than the annoyance was his fear of what the specialist would tell him. 

Sam knew that he had behaved irresponsibly in relation to his ocular problem. He hopelessly wanted the doctor to tell him something soothing while he examined him. But the doctor kept silent. Without warning, the specialist focused the light in the healthy eye. The luminous ray came from an apparatus that the doctor had fixed to his forehead. 

\- Please Sam �the doctor requested, lifting the light and looking at him underneath the apparatus - please, don't move the eye. 

And he pressed Sam's eye with a metallic punch. The Sam's eyes were filled with tears that then ran down his cheeks. He asked how much longer he would have to undergo the exam. Unwittingly he grasped the sheet that covered the stretcher. 

Since was hospitalized for the first time when he was 9, Sam hated his illness. He always believed that he had stamped on his forehead the word DIABETES with uppercase letters, since that age he had been convinced that his illness was a serious defect that everybody noticed. It had not always been that way. 

When he was in high school Sam tried to reduce his illness to a not very important aspect of his life, to contain it in a kind of tight compartment. And, although he was fully conscious of the medicaments that he should take and of the diet he should follow, he refused to think of it.

However such an attitude disturbed his parents, especially his father. Mr. Seaborn was convinced that to maintain the discipline that Sam's illness demanded such a discipline should become one of the central aspects of Sam's life. At least Sam's father focused on the problem. 

The conflict arrived at a culminating point when Sam graduated. That day he was delighted and excited, he had obtained entrance to Princeton and the graduation act would take place in the fashion field club, then they would have breakfast in the school and later the class would spend the rest of the weekend at the beach. Also, Johanna, one of the most beautiful girls in the class, had accepted his invitation. The idea of attending the most important social event in the year, with the most beautiful and admired girl, was an emotion that was almost too much.

Sam's mother was the first one to be informed of the good news. She didn't share Sam's enthusiasm, but she was happy at seeing him so happy. Sam's father was less enthusiastic; he informed Sam that he could attend the party but that he would have to return home without participating in the breakfast.

\- In those parties there is not food for diabetics�Mr Seaborn affirmed. - And as for the weekend at the beach, that was totally discarded. 

Since Sam didn't expect a negative answer, he was not prepared for that disillusion. He assured with anger that had always been responsible regarding the medicaments and his diet, and he asked that he please be allowed to go.

His father proved inflexible and he assured him that he did it for his well being, adding that Sam had to accept the reality that he was not a normal boy. Sam said loudly that he was normal and that he had fought all through his adolescence with that emotional problem. Mr. Seaborn took him by the shoulders and he explained to Sam that he suffered a chronic illness that he would have all his life and that the sooner he accepted it, the better. Sam ran to his room and locked it. He didn't want to speak with anybody until the following day. When he finally made it, he said to his father that he had called Johanna to tell her that he would not be accompanying her because he was sick.

The doctor turned on the lights and Sam returned to the present. The doctor rose and went toward his desk to write, Sam saw him like a kind of nebula. It was also worrying that Gerald's behavior was so reticent. Evidently he was angry with him.

\- Can I sit down? � Sam asked in hesitant tone.

\- I don't know why you ask me for my opinion when you don't follow any of the advice I give you. - 

 

The oculist didn't bother looking at him while he spoke. Sam sat down and lowered his legs off the stretcher. His right eye began to recover from the trauma caused by the light, but he continued seeing with little clarity due to the drops that the doctor had put in to dilate his pupils.

He observed for an instant the doctor trying to assimilate the comment that he had just made. He expected Gerald to reprehend him for having canceled his last visit, but he didn't believe that it mattered so much. When the oculist finished writing and closed the clinical files he looked at Sam

 

\- I will be frank with you Sam, there are no indications that the spill of the left eye is reabsorbing, on the contrary I believe that there is a new spill. Sam tried not to show his anxiety. - I am still not able to see the retina �added the oculist� I cannot see where the blood is coming from, nor if it is a treat lesion. The ultrasonic test tells us that there is not retina detachment, at least for now, but it didn't show us the cause of the spill.- Sam, you should have a vitrectomia. It is our last opportunity to save that eye. Sam looked away.

-  It is not possible to wait one month more?

 

\- No�the specialist affirmed�Sam, you have already forced me to postpone the operation a lot longer than was desirable. Also, you canceled your last visit. I find that you are not aware of what a risk you are taking.

\- I understand the risk very well; I simply don't find the opportune moment.

\- Apart from the surgeon, nobody can ever say when it is a good moment for an operation� affirmed Gerald� allow me to be the one who fixes the date of the operation and we will end this once and for all.

\- I have to speak with Toby.

\- What? � Ask the surprised doctor. Have you still not spoken of it at work?

\- Yes, of course. But I have not told Toby that it is urgent.

\- And when will you tell him? � Asked the doctor, resigned.

\- Very soon, this afternoon. I promise you that I will see you again tomorrow.

Sam got off the stretcher and held on to it to recover his balance.

He was relieved that he could escape from the oculist's clinic. Deep inside he knew that the doctor was right. He had to be operated on. But it wouldn't be easy to say it to Toby and the others. He had to speak with Toby. He to say that he had suffered diabetes from the age of 8 years old. And the fear of rejection appeared again.

 

  ****

****

Sam arrived at the White House, thankful for the unexpected opportunity he was presented with to arrive at his office without anybody seeing him. He entered and closed the door. He went to his desk and settled in the armchair. He held his head in his hands and he tried to think. 

He tried to work but it was useless. He looked out of the window without seeing anything in particular, while his imagination directed something similar to an old film newscast that showed his life. 

Sam kept his accustomed stoicism. It was a feature inherited from his father, it taught him the capacity to absorb the blows of the life. His father had taught him that there is a moment in life to stop and to be hurt, and there is a moment to live and to continue ahead. 

His father had taught him to be controlled, to extract the maximum benefit from his environment, to grow, to learn, to achieve perspective and perception, to establish firm objectives and to try to reach them with all decision. Sam always projected the vigorous stoicism that he knew his father wanted. To the cost of Sam's ability to achieve faith himself, his diabetes limited him. 

When he entered Princeton he hid his illness. They taught him patience and diplomacy, dexterity's that he valued more now he was devoted to politics. While Sam converged to Duke University he submerged to the senatorial campaign of Tomas Blur. There he met Josh. They had both experienced traumatic childhood's, him with his diabetes, Josh with his sister's death. They put him in charge of "Green machine ", that is to say the youths willing to do anything to get their candidate elected, even accepting tasks so little gratifying as campaigning house to house and transporting old men to the voting places on the day of the elections. Sam had a gift to assist the voters. The night of the elections Blur invited him to go to Washington to see him when Sam graduated. His father never did look favorably upon his inclinations toward politics. WG proposed him a place in the firm in NY. And he went.

There he met Lisa, a promising relationship, she never cared about his illness, but the relationship was broken after three years when he decided to leave for Washington when Bartlett won the elections, the end of the relationship left him destroyed emotionally but his more intimate friends even perceived flashes of his pain. In less than one week Sam had recovered and he had begun to think again of his future, just as his father had taught him. From time to time he had the idea of never marrying. It only bothered him when he imagined being alone in his old age. But nobody knew that. He had an important career, with a limitless future.

The formula of his father worked for him, being aware of his limitations, to act with discipline, to assume responsibilities. But now the equations were changing. He had always been able to do what his father had taught him, but that formula was now failing. 

His father had betrayed him, his trust in himself depended on what his father had taught him. And now his father was maybe mistaken, and he had based his life on a mistake. Now he had doubts, his emotions were a puzzle. He felt that he had lost his center and was not managing his illness well.

Upon hearing a soft knock, he sat down in his armchair at once, and looked across at Leo.- 

\- Oh! Leo �he said � I...I'm sorry. Have you come for those reports that you asked me to read?. I promise to have them ready at three o'clock.

Leo shook his head, and entered Sam's office- I'm not looking for the reports �Leo said� I came so that we could speak. If you want.

Leo closed the door and he went to sit down in the visitors´armchair, he had in his hands a fax with Sam's medical record signed by Gerard Bosovich and he deposited it on Sam's desk, leaving no doubts as to the topic that he intended to approach.

\- Well, Sam?

\- I believe that you already know �Sam responded trying to control his voice.

\- Yes we know it, now I know it, your oculist has just informed me, I also had a small chat with Josh

\- Yes, I have just been in the oculist's clinic, he had to expand my pupils � Sam said, grasping at the tangent to escape- the problem of my left eye is worse.

\- Sam?- I don't know if I will be able to drive with this eye so misty� complained Sam.- Maybe I should leave the car here and take a taxi.

\- Sam?

Sam sighed and raised his head 

\- Ok Leo, I have had diabetes from the age of 8 years, I have suffered from diabetic retinopatia for one year and today my oculist informed me that I should have a vitrectomia, I am only able to distinguish between light and darkness with the left eye. The oculist says that if I don't have the operation I could lose the eye.

Sam had finally lost it. He realized that he was squeezing his hands together. He made an effort to separate them and then he didn't know that to do with them.

\- Sam, why didn't you tell us anything?

\- Why didn't the President say anything?

\- Sam?

\- I cannot trust my friends or the doctors.- Sam murmured.

\- Bosovich suspected that you would not speak with us and because of your condition and your excuses he called us. Toby is in the Senate and I took the message. 

\- I have tried to speak of it for years, but I don't know how it happened to me. It is a problem.

\- Ah, yes. Josh talked to me about the philosophy of life according to your father � Leo replied � a great part of what allowed you to triumph and of what is still allowing you to triumph, is the capacity that you have of fixing objectives, of to plan the direction and not to stray until you arrive at your goal, your father taught you discipline, Sam. Above all march without straying a centimeter, never waste energy in emotions, truth? . But if one doesn't have some flexibility, you go through life with blinkers, then one loses all the beauty that there is to each side. And one loses a great part of the pain that makes that beauty so good by contrast

\- Then you want me to go in search of pain? � Asked Sam, disbelieving.

\- I have also suffered, Sam, you know it, my alcoholism - I don't feel good bringing you my problems knowing that.

\- We are feeling almost the same thing � Leo said� we both suffer chronic illnesses, maybe a shared pain decreases in half.

\- Or it is duplicated �said Sam.- 

\- No, it is not duplicated, it is always easier when one can speak with somebody that understands. I am not a psychologist, but I have always heard to recognize and to admit a problem are the first steps to solving it.

\- Which brings us to the topic of my diabetes and my splendid vitrectomia. 

\- The oculist said that you should operate immediately. That you already postponed it too much and that your condition increases for the wait.

\- It is certain, the wait worsens my vision. - And now you are taking the responsibility of your own actions.

\- I always have done.

\- It is true, but lately given the events with your father, your trust...

\- Leo, do you suggest that my trust in myself, is inexorably bound to my father? 

\- What do you think ?

Sam shook his head. Leo stood up and went toward the window- 

\- Allow me to express it otherwise �Leo suggested�if the things with your father hadn't strayed. Would you have had the operation when the oculist indicated it to you?.

Sam thought about it one minute, then he shook his head and said: 

\- Yes, I would probably not have hidden it and had the operation.

Leo nodded

\- To that I refer Sam. You didn't assume the responsibility of your illness, you did what your father wanted you to do. Your father is a box of resonance, a test recording, a rehearsal passing. And he is your father. The pain that your father provoked is very sharp. And that he hid the relationship for such a long time makes the pain worse. I believe that in the bottom of your mind you blame your illness for your father's deceit, the 9 years they heard about your illness, in that time your father began to see the other woman. Certain?

Sam agreed, and his eyes filled with tears. 

\- It is complicated. Too complicated to examine an entire life now. I am not even sure of understanding it-

\- It was not your fault Sam. Your illness wasn't to blame.

\- When the doctor told me that my condition was worse and that I could lose the eye, I was destroyed, it is like a nightmare from which I cannot wake up, it's like returning to being 8 years old. 

\- That time must be very hard and painful for you�Leo said.

\- It was not so bad �Sam replied - in certain sense, it was a relief to know that the symptoms that I had suffered had a physiological reason. Then get used to the pills and the insulin- 

Leo rested his hands on Sam's shoulders .

\- I admire you� Leo commented in a sincere tone�I doubt that I would have been able to study and make a career ahead like you having had diabetes.-

\- Thank you. Sam was astonished, he could not believe that a man like Leo told him those words. 

\- I believe Sam that perhaps are you too rigid that you make an effort to not allow yourself to feel too much pain, for that reason you don't have any pattern with which to measure the happiness.

\- That is very strong.

\- But I believe that it is true. 

\- Try too much to resemble my father and I considered myself a failure, when I could not be strong.- 

\- You maybe tried to look too much to what you believed that your father was. Josh described your father to me as something completely centered, a man that always abided to the path that he had chosen.

\- That was what I saw in him

\- Or that was what he wanted you to see. Do you know maybe how he was when he was alone?

Sam looked at it, astonished.

\- I don't know.

\- Your father hid for almost 28 years, Sam, maybe fearing losing you. I don't believe that he had less esteem for you because you suffered diabetes. I want you to trust us so that you don't hide your illness. I want you to make peace with your diabetes - Leo said gently. - then live with it, I am alcoholic, I make an effort terribly for not running to a bar when things become difficult.

Although doubtfully, Sam agreed

\- I have the sensation of having been psychoanalyzed.

\- Stand by me for another session. Remember that I also suffer from a chronic illness.

Leo pressed his hands on Sam´s shoulders.

\- Warn Toby that on Monday you're having an operation.

Sam looked at him, surprised and then he said.

\- I will do it. Thank you.

 

 

The end. 

 

 


End file.
